


If there is a reason

by thereisalwaysanand



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, PTSD, Panic Attacks, and so will steve, bucky barnes is my baby I will protect him, steve and Bucky and the tale of why life sucks so much ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 08:42:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6948544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereisalwaysanand/pseuds/thereisalwaysanand
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky can't hold it together, so Steve holds him</p>
            </blockquote>





	If there is a reason

It's funny how quickly things can change. One day you're fighting nazis with your best friend and the next thing you know you're a brain washed assassin. One moment, you're laughing at memories of 1939 over dinner and the next, you're sobbing uncontrollably. 

It starts slowly, first, Steve looks at Bucky with those big sad eyes, full of regret and the things that they both can't change. And then Bucky hears himself say "I don't know if I can do this, Stevie." 

Tears fall hot down bucky's face, he tries to hide his face, but sometimes, you can't stop the panic. Bucky can't breathe, he's crying and honestly he doesn't want to keep breathing. The world around him melts away in his tears, his chest shuddering hard and painful.

Steve moves to bucky's side of the table, and gently tugs at Bucky till his body gives up and they're both siting on the cold floor together. Steve pulls him into his lap, wraps his arms around him, and gently kisses the top of his head. Bucky melts into Steve's hold. 

It's been seconds, it's been minutes, maybe it's been hours. Slowly Bucky stops shaking. His heart normalizes, and apart from a few hiccups, he stops crying. But Steve doesn't let go. So Bucky doesn't move, doesn't say anything. He lets himself be wrapped in Steve's smell. Pretending it's 1941 and they're in a tent in some god awful war camp and they're scared out of their minds. It's crazy that back then, Bucky thought that nothing could be worse than that fear. But he was wrong. There's always a new worse fear, a new monster, a new 10 on the pain scale. 

Steve whispers into bucky's hair. "When I woke up, and it was 2012 and everyone I loved was dead or dying of old age, I didn't know how to go on. I couldn't understand why God let me live, when everyone..." He takes a deep, shaky breathe. "When you died. Why you got your life snatched away because of me, but here I was, alive and well." 

"Two years I lived with a death wish. You told me not to do anything stupid but, God, Bucky I couldn't stop. I begged the universe for death. But it didn't let me go." 

Bucky feels a hot drop fall into his hair. Steve's chest heaves. Bucky wiggles to get closer, even though the only way they could be closer is if they were one mass of body parts. 

"When I saw you, that day in the road... It changed everything. It changed who I thought I was. It gave me the kind of purpose I didn't have since the war. I mean, I'm not going to lie to you, letting you beat the shit out of me hurt like hell..."

Bucky smiles into Steve and Steve breathes out a chuckle. 

"But I finally knew why I was alive." Steve nuzzles bucky's head. 

"Every night since I escaped, I've thought about killing myself." Bucky says, muffled in Steve's shirt. Steve hugs him tighter. "I know." He whispers. 

"I... I miss you." Bucky admits, and it feels like a punch to the gut for both of them because it shouldn't make sense, but it does. Bucky crawls up, to put his head in the curve of Steve's neck. Their noses barely touch, air mingled in the space between them. 

"I don't know how yet. But I know that you and me?" Steve bumps his head into bucky's lightly, a smile forming on his lips. "We're going to get through this. And whatever comes after this, and whatever comes after that." 

Bucky smiles, slow and beautiful. Steve forgets how to breathe. 

"I love you, you know." Bucky says to him, like its the most obvious thing in the world. He sits up, so he can really look at Steve. 

Steve looks back, still amazed after all this time that it's really James Buchanon Barnes sitting here on the floor with him. He moves before he thinks, their lips coming together like puzzle pieces, forming a picture 95 years in the making.

Steve makes a mental note to thank the universe for working so hard to bring them together.


End file.
